Falling in love is not the same with being and staying in love
I’ve been trying to write since I received and started to read Gaspar’s book on love.
I haven’t finished it yet. But there are some ideas that bumped into my hed while reading it.
I was really surprised and happy all together of Gaspar thinking of me and sending me his second book. The first is still in my head. And I have to thank Gaspar for the “invisible child” cause it has opened my eyes and clarified some of my reactions and actions in life. It doesn’t mean I’m not making the same choices (I don’t like naming them mistakes), but at least I know why and hope to change them someday in the future.
Before love revolution meet the invisible child
For those who don’t know the concept, “the invisible child” is about that inner child in each and everyone of us who cares through time the pains from childhood, that ones that our mind forgot but our body reminds them. And when we as adults found ourselves in similar situations we react based on our childhood pains.
I recommend you to read the book. It will give you some explanation not only on your actions (not the good ones especially), but also a different support to understanding the others around you.
And it would be a good foundation if you are interested in founding more about love and relationships and “the revolution of love”, with Gaspar’s second book. I really think that without “the invisible child” it is a little bit harder to understand Gaspar’s vision on our reactions within love relationships.
Falling in love vs. being in love
So let’s go back to this book on love. This is not exactly a book of “how to save your marriage” or “how to be a good partner” kinda book. It’s more about understanding your choices in love and your way of looking at long lasting relationships. Why some people just run away, why others tend to accept anything just for not losing the relationships, why some think that good relationship means no fight at all and why some think that when the adolescence kinda romance disappear there is no relationship to have.
I remember one day I asked my parents if there can be a long lasting relationship without love. (Yes, I have those parents who I can ask everything). And they told me something like this: “If you think of that love where there’s happiness all the time, with candles and flowers, with shimmering and fireworks all day long, well that’s only for the books and movies. In real life, love in a long lasting relationship doesn’t look like this. It’ more about mutual respect and trust, understanding and accepting, appreciation and encouragement, commitment and growing together.”
This is where my mind took me when reading Gaspar’s differentiation between falling in love and being or staying in love. I believe the English people have this expresion “I love you, but I am not in love with you”. And the Italians say “Te amo”, “Ti volio bene” and “Sono inamorato di Te”. I think we Romanians have “Tin la tine” (I care about you), “Te iubesc” (I love you) and “M-am indragostit de tine” (I have fallen in love with you).
Gaspar says that falling in love (indragostirea) is not the same with being and staying in love (iubirea matura). And that falling in love should turn into a mature longtime love. Something like my parents told me back then.
Need of power vs. need of connection
Do you know that wedding tradition when the married couple enter the church and one of them should walk on the partner’s foot? It’s said that the one who walks on the other’s foot will lead the family. In another words, he/she will have the power.
Well, Gaspar says that it’s time to change this fight for power for the fight for (true) love. And that there is more important the need of connection rather than the need of power.
Unfortunately nowadays there is less human connection one to one. Now we communicate (and connect) especially online. I know many people (including myself, I have to admit) who prefer to send an email or SMS or WhatsApp message instead of find the moment for a good talk.
But what I find more interesting is that is not only about connection to the other, but also connection to yourself.
I’ve always believed that we have in ourselves as human being this need of connection, of communication, of living together with someone else, of sharing joys and pains with someone. I realize now that there is also the need of connection to yourself, of feeling good with yourself, of finding and accepting the joys and pains in yourself first and then with the others around you.
You know we have that saying: “be true to yourself”. Something like that. It’s like Gaspar says: “It’s time to breath consciously, to accept our emotions and thoughts and to act with faith!”
Two can play that game
You know people say that we chose partners similar with us. That even looks like us. I remember looking at my parents’ pictures, when I was a kid, and there were some of them where you could say that they have similar features. And I’ve heard this comparison also at my friends. But it’s not always like this. Me and my husband, for example, we don’t look the same at all. He is blonde with blue eyes, I have dark hair and brown eyes. If I’m taking the ‘look alike’ theory it would mean that we have chosen the wrong partner.
But Gaspar proposes another way of looking to our choice in life. He says that we don’t choose our partners that look and think like us, but mainly those partners that can help us to heal ourselves (remember the invisible child?). And we tend (subconsciously) to aspect them to offer us what we missed as children.
Frankly, I think there’s a little bit of true in this new theory. There are more couples proving to be true the word “opposite attract”, than the theory of similarity between partners. But when it comes to expectations I believe we have some problems. To have expectations could easily lead to being disappointed. Unless there is good communication between partners and they are both open-minded. They can really talk to each other and speak freely about what they feel and desire. And, at the same time, they are willing to listen to each other, to at least try to think of the other one instead only looking for his own needs.
And when it comes to the inner child issues it’s even more difficult. It’s one thing to solve your own issue and a totally different one to solve couple’s issues that origin in childhood problems. Even more if one of them is not so eager to admit his own issues and believes that one’s problems are only his own. Or, even more, if one thinks he has no problems at all. How can you convince one person that he has some issues when he says his perfectly fine? It may be just different opinions on some life stuff, not an actual problem; or more than that. Nevertheless, it looks harder to heal yourself when there are not only your own feelings in play. For example, if facing a crisis or just a small problem, if one wants to ran away and the other insists of being together dealing with it, this is not about learning and healing, cause one definitely should make a step back to its own need. It’s that compromise that people say every relationship has it. But when it’s only one the two making compromises, can anyone actually believe that this could lead to a longtime happy healing relationship? I don’t know.
All I know is this second book by Gaspar, as the first one, will reveal its deepest teaching after some time. After reading such a book, it’s almost impossible not to ask yourself why and how and when. Some answers won’t come just like that, but after a while, when least expected. Especially since the book ends with some work sheets to help you understand more your own perspective of love that you unconsciously have since very young.
Before reading the book, you can also read these, also from Gaspar: